Our 10 Year Mark & He's Never Once Left a Mark in a Decade

I'm regressed to a preverbal part of myself regarding what's going on in my current life.

Where I could usually slap the shit out of what has slapped the shit out of me with the forgiveness in my words, I'm lost in a confused silence that reminds me very much of being the infant that cried for 5 months straight, for 8 hours a day at day care, until one day, my body realized communicating with caregivers was absolutely pointless. They weren't coming, and if they were, it was obligatory and resentful, not connective and caring, which felt more like care-taking, than giving.

Relieving them of my cries, they were finally glad they'd "broken" me in. As an infant. But really, I was just...broken.

Without the words to express my shatter and even if I had them, without an ear to receive any of my pieces, or a hand of effort to put them back together.

I didn't have resources to fend for myself, at times I've been expected to, and right now, I'm being offered a redo.

So I'm back here. In the silence that comes after months of knowing crying...is pointless.

And he, after 10 years of loving me back to life, is right here with me.

When I stop breathing in my sleep, he rolls me over, screams my name and holds me while I wake up sobbing from a night terror, only he could wake me from.

When I can't keep my eyes open in the day, like a sleepy infant trying to resource circuits it hasn't yet created to make sense of this life, he tells me, "go take a nap. Give yourself what you need, right now, it doesn't matter what you "want" to do."

When I freak out about what's happening, or what might happen, he doesn't say..."Get over it, or why aren't you over this?" Or even, "if I were you, I'd..." He soothes all of my fears the way a true caregiver might, an infant. He holds me and says, "I'll take care of it."

While I know he doesn't have capacity to hold ALL of this space as my consciousness is rewriting itself, and I still need to mother, and serve, and life as an adult, he has more capacity than I can comprehend, to love me through what has been incredibly hard to love myself through.

He hasn't blamed me for not having the resources to mobilize during this time. When I say I don't even have access to using my own body, just like an infant, he doesn't tell me I'm crazy, and to suck it up and move on.

He SEES me in here, when I'd rather be invisible because I've learned to put my faith in invisibility, rather than trust in being seen.

He sees me without condemnation, the way a healthy parent might see their young child - in love.

10 years ago we went on a road trip, we never quite came back from. That was it. We were us.

We have a relationship I'd want for everyone in the world, and especially everyone I love. I feel capital A, Alone in a room with him. I don't fix myself, or position myself in just the right light to gain his approval. Nor does he me.

We're just people, being people, and letting each other just...be. And that alone, has been a gift I never had, that I never knew existed, let alone that I needed, until...there was him.

One decade under our foundation. While he watches any semblance of foundation I've had prior, float away in a tidal wave, and he doesn't shame me for being broken and not having the resources to pick up my own pieces as the water disperses it into the vast, dark ocean. He doesn't say, "why are you still watching that which you've cared about float away, you ungrateful brat, look at all I've done for you. Can't you just be happy with what's here?!." He stands at the window of the house we've built in our inner worlds together, and says, I see it too. And, I'll see you through.

And there will never be a gift on earth, he could give me, more...than this.

To decades more of a decade of Love like this. Ideally, those, without the natural disasters.

I texted him the other day when he was at work, that I'm sorry to drag him through this mess, and that he chose me, a person with all this baggage bull shit, and he responded, "never apologize. I'd chose you EVERY SINGLE TIME." 🤯❤️🫨

Wish our love found us earlier but here's to us, 10 years later. 🥂